I feel like lifting weights now is starting to get Super Serious. I’m not content to do easy lifts; I’m pushing each time. I’m getting sore. I’m noticing more and more muscles that weren’t there before. Like, two days ago I was driving and rested my hand on my bicep when my arm was turned a certain way and there was this big muscle there and I was shocked. This is strange. My body is changing, still.
One of the caveats of working on Health At Every Size and learning what your body likes and what it can do is that people often experience a small initial weight loss, which can be trigger-y to folks who’ve spent most of their lives dieting/trying to lose weight. (This includes me.) As my body changes there is a temptation to push harder for the wrong reason: to work toward an ‘ideal’ body rather than to accept your body but push its limits. There’s a subtle distinction, and I’m not sure I always get it right.
A year and a half ago, I was firmly in "fat" territory. Nowadays I’m closer to "inbetweenie". I admit, I know what I weigh, and I try not to tie my self-worth to that number, but it’s much easier when that dial is trending downward. The last month or two, my weight has been stable, which is to be expected, but part of me wants it to keep moving… and I suspect that if i stopped exercising my weight would bounce back up, maybe higher even, just like stopping dieting.
I fear seeing my family and people I haven’t seen in a while. I look different. People might ask, "What’s your secret?" Then what would I do, explain HAES like some diet and exercise plan? I am "Results Not Typical" of HAES.