4 miles today. It was pretty easy this time; I kept up a good pace (set a new 5K record time, even, by a couple minutes) and didn’t have any issues to note. Felt good for a change! It’s funny how some days it’s easy and some it’s brutally hard. It could mean I’m getting better and that I’m getting used to the distance, it could be that I’ve had the weekend to rest my legs, it could be completely flukey. Anyway, I’ll take it!
Here’s where I’ll be painfully honest with myself: some days I just do not FA very well. The last couple months have been kind of frustrating for me– I didn’t get into all this activity to lose weight, but I have and, well, I have reaped the benefits of having a more societally acceptable body. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if my new-found confidence is from finally accepting my body, or if I’m also happy that my body is changing? 2 years ago I never would’ve worn a bikini. 2 years ago I hated my body. But 2 years ago I also weighed about 30 pounds more? (I also wasn’t very strong, wasn’t very fit…)
All this activity caused changes on the scale. I was okay with that. I spent money on new clothes, discovering that I didn’t feel like hiding my body anymore; I wore fitted clothing, because I looked better in fitted clothing. I wore short skirts, because my legs are pretty awesome. Is this because I was more confident of what my body could do, or because I was smaller?
But for 3 or 4 months, the number on the scale there hasn’t changed a bit. (Hey, didn’t Linda Bacon say something along these lines in Health At Every Size?) My endurance and strength is still increasing, but my body seems to be about done changing. On one hand, that’s wonderful– I can stop buying new jeans every 2 months! On the other, I still have that Fantasy of Being Thin.
I started this new running program as a way to have a bit more discipline; rather than deciding on the fly how much I would run, I have outside structure and it’s helping me to run more often and run farther. But I also admit that I was hoping that increasing my mileage would do something with that sticky number on the scale. So far it hasn’t, and at times it’s kind of discouraging– which means I am entirely missing the point. I would like to impose a scale moratorium for August– but I’m not sure if that’s just setting me up for a big disappointment come September. I definitely need to get over this!