Attachment to outcome

Gym with J today. Sort of. I am an exhausted, weepy wreck today, so I just told J that I would be skipping lifting and did half an hour of stretching/yoga/etc. It was unsatisfying, but I think that’s mostly a function of nothing being particularly satisfying at the moment rather than anything wrong with the activity. Remember, no expectations, no disappointment. Repeat until it sinks in.

The good thing about these periodic funks is they sometimes lead to flashes of insight. A lot of my stress comes from a pattern of feeling “not enough”. Not enough time, or money, or knowledge, or success, or food*. Time is my current stressor. The cure seems to be to give myself permission to drop expectations I have of myself. If I’m feeling short on time, I have to give myself permission to let tasks I feel pressure to accomplish go undone (on my own time, not at work)– so what if the dentist appointment goes unmade, or I don’t steam-clean the last of the cat hair out of the couch, or my car goes a few more miles without an oil change, or I don’t manage to make a dress for the fancy holiday party this weekend? These things can wait, I can wear a dress I have or get a new one, it’s not the end of the world.

Instead of beating myself up for not having time to get them done, I can make the choice not to do them and not to worry about them (this takes me from failure to accomplishment!) And when I’m not stressing about things I’ve given myself permission to leave undone, I have a little more time for self-care and sleep.

* I think this would be an interesting one to explore later. This feeling of “not enough” is also one I’ve worked on…

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