I thought this was supposed to help…

Today’s run was, frankly, awful. Not because it was oppressively swampy, and slow, and filled with walk breaks and sore calves, but because I felt awful. It was a solid 40 minutes of battling the impulse to self-harm and that was miserable.

More and more lately I’ve been struggling with overwhelming feelings and, well, it’s getting pretty old. It seems like at least a couple days every week are like this. I know that stress is one of my worst triggers, and my stress level is ramping up (thanks, work) so it shouldn’t surprise me.

I keep thinking that exercise will help mitigate the feelings, but it’s definitely not enough. ("Maybe I should just exercise MORE!" No, that is a bad idea.) It probably wouldn’t hurt for me to seek guidance from a doctor or therapist.

And you know, aside from the heat and humidity it was really lovely outside and I feel crappy for being so miserable during my run. The houses had roses blooming in their yards and verges full of clover that smelled amazing. Everything was beautiful and I couldn’t appreciate it at all.

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5 Responses to I thought this was supposed to help…

  1. Sorry you are struggling. :( A friend & I recently discussed how it’s harder to be depressed, etc, when the weather is nice. Winter & rainy weather are dreary, & lots of people feel yucky then. But it’s ingrained in us warm, sunny, blooming weather is happy weather. If you can’t be happy then, there is something really wrong with you.

    Hope you find a way to help deal with things.

    • G says:

      Thanks for the kind words. I’m feeling better now– it’s amazing how these feelings are sneaky and sudden and overwhelming…

  2. icedevimon says:

    Everyone has setbacks… and that forty minutes of battle may have been tough, but you still did it. I can’t say I know exactly how you feel, but I have some similar issues with depression and self-harm. Maybe you could find someone to talk to about work. When I’m feeling that stressed out and overwhelmed, just having someone to listen to me vent it out can take away the edge and keep me from a blade.

    • G says:

      You’re right, a supportive ear makes all the difference. My partner’s really good about letting me vent. I worry that I’m bothering him too much, though!

  3. Pingback: 2013 Recap Post | Running While Fat

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