TW: negative self-talk, diet crap, assholes, etc.
3 miles on my very tired legs this morning. I was super grumpy and set up camp on the farthest treadmill in the cardio room to get a little peace, and despite every other treadmill being unoccupied, one of the trainers came and took the treadmill next to me to run her fast intervals. Thanks for the boost of confidence there. I’m glad she can run faster than the fat lady. I hope she feels good about herself too.
It’s probably just periodic grump but I’ve been awfully rough on myself lately. The debacle with The Biggest Loser has been enormously triggering for me, especially the hordes of assholes saying how easy it is to lose weight and all them fatties are just sitting on their couches all day eating cookies and the TBL winner proves it.
Going about my daily routine in my somewhat small-fat body and generally-friendly surroundings, it can be easy to forget about the casual yet vicious hate out there, the pervasive belief that people owe it to the world to make sure their bodies are the correct size, controlled and inoffensive. "Health" makes a convenient club to swing, but I’m pretty sure that haters don’t actually care one bit about the health of their targets.
I struggle so hard not to internalize the hate directed at my body. The fitness world is constantly trying to convince me that I’m doing it wrong, because I look wrong. Hours and hours of intense exercise have failed to transform me into a buff, lean gym bunny– though I’ve become plenty stronger and faster. Then they say "well, you can’t out-train bad nutrition!" as if I just need to give up the cheeseburgers and fries and I’ll magically shrink. But I eat to sustain my activity, and I eat well (I know because I cook it all myself!) I haven’t "given up"– I’m working toward goals that you refuse to understand. And I don’t feel like I need to spend my precious time justifying myself to people who obviously don’t care about me.
I’m just so weary of the constant refrain that people need to be a certain size in order to be worthy of respect, as if our humanity was inversely proportional to our body size.