Discontent foments revolution

My mood is sensationally poopy today, and I had hoped that a plain ol’ easy run would help. Not really! Now I just have less energy to be all aggro. But I finished the run (3 miles on the treadmill, or 3.4 on the thingum) in 41 minutes. It’s done. Moving on.

Every now and then I experience a profound dissatisfaction with… well, everything. I know it’s only temporary, and now that I’ve sat with it enough times, in a way it’s good because it sort of gets me out of my ruts, kicks me out of complacency. But honestly, nothing good will come of finally being honest with my boss and telling him I think one of our projects is worthless bullshit and I don’t want to work on it anymore, or getting mad at my partner about an aspect of our relationship I’m not happy with, or quitting my job and throwing whatever belongings fit in my car and going… somewhere else. (Preferably somewhere warm, but that’s a different kind of gripe.) But these kinds of actions I can store up and deal with at a later date, when I feel a bit more rational.

However, in the moment I’m still filled with all these urges and inevitably I wind up turning the discontentment back at myself, where it starts to cause real problems. Because if I can’t express it outwardly, what else can I do with it? I’m much better about self-harm than I used to be, but I struggle with dissatisfaction with my body and body image. This meatsack I live in is so stubborn and uncooperative, and such an easy target.

But it passes. I just have to sit with it a while.

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About G

I'm running while fat. And learning other fun ways to honor my body.
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6 Responses to Discontent foments revolution

  1. lozette says:

    I\m feeling exactly the same at the moment. I *think* it’s PMS-related, and I don’t get it every month, but ugh, it’s horrible. The urge to run away is strong!

  2. Gingerzingi says:

    For me, unexpressed anger is a big problem. It turns to depression and unbeneficial behaviors. The conundrum is indeed that it’s not helpful – and possibly makes things worse – to tell your boss or your spouse certain things. You can’t just unload the anger onto them. It seems like a choice between destruction and self-destruction; you can’t win.

    Some things can be discussed when you’re feeling more balanced, some things will never be solved that way. I *sometimes* find that vigorous physical activity helps me work off anger, and sometimes time is the only thing that heals it. If you find any healthy ways to deal with it, let me know :)

    • G says:

      I was hoping you guys would have some suggestions for me ;) Exercise helps up to a point, as long as I can get through the exercise without turning into a seething ball of self-hate. And just distracting myself until it passes goes a long way. Neither of those are particularly constructive though.

      You know that point where the anger turns over into depression? That is the worst place.

      • Gingerzingi says:

        I hear that. That’s my worst place.

        One thing I found helpful, and wish I would practice more often: someone once told me how powerful it is to simply acknowledge your feelings, instead of trying to suppress, ignore, or divert them. I usually try to push away bad feelings, to get past them as quickly as possible, and that often results in some seriously damaging rumination.

        Sit quietly without distractions, and think about what you’re feeling without judging the emotions, without trying to solve or resolve, or justify whether you’re “right” for feeling that way. Simply let yourself admit “I am feeling such-and-such.” Look at it, turn it around a few times, acknowledge its existence, and then say goodbye (for now). When I’ve done that, it’s profoundly refreshing. The hardest part in achieving this, for me, is turning off the flood of justifications for WHY I feel that way. Apparently some part of my brain thinks I’m not allowed to have opinions or emotions :) or that I’m only allowed to have them if some unknown jury votes them acceptable or logical.

  3. Pingback: 2015 Recap | Running While Fat

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