Feeling down-ish

I’m not sure what’s going on in my brain lately. Depression paying me a periodic visit? PMS/PMDD rearing its ugly head? Some flavor of anxiety popping up? Whatever it is, it stinks. I feel paralyzed while simultaneously everything I ought to be doing is going through my mind. It’s lovely to have uncontrollable lack of inertia while beating yourself up about being unproductive?

When I was younger I struggled with untreated bipolar disorder. (Didn’t get dx’d until grad school.) Sometimes things got really bad and I would sort of shut down trying to keep the feelings in check. In this state I couldn’t do the things I was being asked to do– wash the dishes or practice piano or whatever. My mom didn’t understand what was going on, so she would yell at me and call me lazy. To this day I hate the word lazy, yet it’s one of the most common words I’ll use back at myself…

Anyway, this morning the fog lifted for a little bit and I coasted on that right out the door for a run. (Before that I was busy beating myself up for not running enough. Sigh.) 3 hilly miles (initially wrote milly hiles) in 4o minutes. I’ll take it, though I was beating myself up for taking a walking break at the biggest hill. Anyone seeing a theme here?

The weather is nice, though; it’s warm and sunny but there is one problem: pollen! This is on a scale of 0 to 12…

pollen

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About G

I'm running while fat. And learning other fun ways to honor my body.
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4 Responses to Feeling down-ish

  1. chasingdownhealthy says:

    I think walk breaks up the big hills are ok. Both when running, and in life. :)

  2. walk breaks are totally acceptable. In all areas of life! ;-)

  3. Gingerzingi says:

    Maybe the pollen is causing you to feel down? Or at least contributing. At any rate, I hope you’re feeling better soon.

    Nobody can push our buttons like our mothers. After all, they installed them.

  4. Pingback: 2015 Recap | Running While Fat

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