Sitting with grief

Well, my day started early today: I wasn’t able to fall asleep last night until very late, and then after a fitful night I was up at 4am. My alarm was set for 4:50, but what good would lying there awake for nearly an hour do? At 5:30 I was out the door, driving to work (I have a dentist appointment later today, so I needed the car). I caught the very last of the good traffic– the HOV lane restrictions start at 6, so that’s when everything starts to tangle– and arrived at work at 6.

The plus side of being at work early on a Monday is that I could make it to yoga class. It was nice practicing with this instructor again, I really like him. Today we focused in on hips and hamstrings (longest pyramid pose ever). It was a good class, but I never really got my mind to quiet down.

Today is an hard day. It’s the 25th anniversary of my brother’s death. It happened when I was so young and was such a massive, formative experience in my life. I’m sort of torn between wanting to sit and think about it and wanting to put it aside. Putting it aside is easier and would let me get some work done today, but I’m sure it’ll bubble up before long.

I’m also debating if I ought to call my mom. Honestly I don’t want to. I called her a few days ago, and I’m flying out to visit them this weekend anyway so it’s not like I’m out of contact. I feel like I should try to be supportive or something but I still hold a lot of bitterness about having to parent-parent and not having anyone to care for me years ago, and the last thing I feel like doing is spending today’s precious strength on someone else.

Sorry, this is a lot of emotion to pack into some random post on a fitness blog so I think I’ll leave it there for now. I read a great post on tumblr this morning about grief and how to be supportive… it reminded me of all the ridiculous, desperate ways people tried to rationalize tragedy to 11-year-old me (which I now hold as examples of what not to do). Things to think about…

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About G

I'm running while fat. And learning other fun ways to honor my body.
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11 Responses to Sitting with grief

  1. I’m sorry for your loss. Your paragraph about your mom really resonated with me today, and even though I’m more of a lurker on your blog, please know that I’m sending supportive vibes your way for this day.

  2. Sorry for your loss. Hugs to you.

  3. parseraisin says:

    It is okay to support only yourself today. Here’s hoping you rest easier tonight!

  4. Lisa says:

    So very sorry.

  5. Gingerzingi says:

    I’m sorry, G. You can definitely focus on yourself today and do what you need to. I don’t know what your family dynamic is like, but in mine when there’s a death my mother claims all the grief for herself and there’s no room for anyone else’s. It’s rough on everyone to offer all the support to her without any acknowledgment of their own loss, maybe you feel something like that.

    Wishing you a peaceful day…

    • G says:

      Thanks. I’m eager to hurry time up and get through this tough time of year.

      My mom… has never been really good with emotion, and her response was to basically shut everything off. Which worked for her to cope, I guess, but I was still a teenager needing a supportive mom, and I never got that, she didn’t come around until after I was an adult. So I have a lot of anger, over everything. It’s a long story and obviously I haven’t worked through it all yet…

  6. Pingback: 2015 Recap | Running While Fat

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