Finding strength

Push day today, with a notable lack of enthusiasm. Lack of enthusiasm has been plaguing me lately.

Bench – 2x140lb, 4x5x130lb
OHP – 4x5x65lb
Tricep – 3x10x45lb
Shrug – 3x10x30lb
Lateral raise – 3x10x45
Rope pushdown – 3x10x100
Pecs (machine) – 3x10x100

I was math-challenged when loading bench, and put an extra 10lb on and didn’t realize it. I reluctantly started lifting it, thought to myself, damn this is hard today! and racked it after 2 reps, and started berating myself for being weaksauce. (Wasn’t in a good mood this morning.) Then I started counting plates… and realized my mistake. And was kind of shocked, because 2 months ago at the comp I failed at my 135lb tries, and here I am putting 140lb up for 2 reps without too much trouble. Moral of the story, I can lift more if you don’t tell me how much I’m lifting, I guess?

Right now I’m facing… some challenges… around the wedding. My partner and I chose a great officiant to perform our secular wedding ceremony, and she happens to be a lesbian. Well, over the weekend I was talking about the rehearsal dinner with my very religious mom (who was already upset about the lack of God in the ceremony) and mentioned that the officiant and her wife would be invited and apparently that was the last straw for my mom. She cut that conversation off very abruptly, then called me back in tears and said how could I do this to them, why do I have to rub everything in her face, didn’t they raise me to be a good Christian girl, how could I do this… and then hung up on me. My mom has never hung up on me…

It’s been a stressful few days. I haven’t contacted her, figuring that she needs time to cool off and process and that she might call me when she’s ready, but in the meanwhile my brain has been doing a lot of risk analysis and contingency planning. (Like, what might I do if the person who’s handling the caterer and cake and tent and flowers decides they’re not going to do that anymore? Pizza seems to be a good solution.) I don’t like uncertainty at the best of times, and definitely not when it’s time to do the finishing touches and cruise into the wedding.

And of course I’m deeply disappointed that, of all the things that could go wrong before my wedding, it would be my parents’ homophobia that caused the biggest rift. I knew that getting married would force them to come to terms with my non-belief, which is one of the reasons I wasn’t in a big hurry. But I’m determined to have this wedding on my terms, in all its secular, feminist, pro-same sex marriage glory. I’ll compromise a million times on the reception, but the ceremony is for me and my fiancee and this is how we want to do it.

So now I just have to keep moving forward and not get too distracted by all this, and ignore the ball of sadness and disappointment and anxiety that lives in the pit of my stomach.

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7 Responses to Finding strength

  1. Fed says:

    I’m so sorry that you have to cope with this. I’ve never spoken about this but I know exactly what it’s like to have dramatically different values from my parents. I hope you find that light at the end of the tunnel that leads to a bright and beautiful wedding.

  2. Julie says:

    Weddings definitely have the power to cause emotional upset! I really admire your determination to have a feminist, non-religious wedding and I hope you can resolve things with your mother. Parental disapproval is tough at any age.

    • G says:

      You’d think I’d be over it at 37 years old, but somehow they still get to me. Thanks for the supportive words.

  3. Kara says:

    I’ve never commented before, but I read every post and often find encouragement in your words. I remember at my own wedding how others often made it more about themselves than about my husband and I and how that can hurt. I admire you sticking to your principles and hope the special day still comes together the way you dream it.

    • G says:

      Thanks for the kind thoughts! My mom has been waiting for this day for a long time and she’s so invested in it that I think it really hurts her to have it go differently than what she wants. I hope we can get to a place that’s less adversarial.

  4. Pingback: 2016 in review | Running While Fat

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