a predictable cycle

(tw for body hate and diet crap, and plenty of cussing, feel free to scroll on by this one)

Today I was in a fine mood– until I got to the gym. I was going to do quick lift/short run but as soon as I got started on my easy sets of bench and squats my brain went on the fritz. I got through 2×5 bench and 1×5 squats then I decided to gtfo the weight room before I lost it. I finished by running a fast treadmill mile and then disappeared into the empty locker room to shower and cry. Good times.

I always go on about having my gym habit built into my day but this kind of negative reinforcement can’t be good for maintaining that habit. I don’t need to exercise as a punishment for having a non-compliant body, and I don’t want to feel that way.

I’m debating how vagueblog I should be here; the kind of feelings and words I aim at myself aren’t good for anyone and there’s no benefit to trying to be "honest" and write them down. So, sorry for being vague and abstract. I’m just going to say it sucks and I would never talk to a friend this way.

Remember when I was on Stupid Wedding Diet (that didn’t work) and I decided that, since it wasn’t working, I just needed to double down on the restriction until it did, while eating weird things and crying a lot? (It never did work, then I gained 10 pounds afterward anyway.) The kind of moderately restrictive diet that everyone advocates does nothing ("just eat your macros!") and then I’m just like "fuck this I’m just going to stop eating" to disastrous results. First I get super controlling about food, then I get depressed and want to jump off a building, and then I gain weight. This is a fun cycle!

When my brain and my body are healthy, it’s easy to find a middle way with lots of activity (c’mon, you all read this blog, you know) and not too much stress about food, and I can accept whatever my body settles at. But noooo, my brain has to be a shithead now.

Dunno if I ever mentioned it here, but I got myself a Fitbit– "I’ll just observe and see what’s going on". Oh, and tracking food, just a leeeetle restriction, why not, it’s so easy to just log it and make sure I’m under target. And now 2 months later I’m beating myself up. I strongly suspect it’s related.

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6 Responses to a predictable cycle

  1. lozette says:

    I can’t offer advice but I can offer total sympathy!

  2. I’m not sure the shithead brain ever fully shuts the f up, but I can tell you that it can and does get quieter. That cycle is a hard way to live, hope you can get out of it. x

    • G says:

      Thanks for the kind thoughts. 9/10s of the time I’m fine but every so often my shithead brain gets the best of me.

  3. Gingerzingi says:

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. I have the exact same pattern of thought/behavior, and it’s terrible.
    I don’t know that it’s any solace, but at least you are self-aware and self-examining and can recognize when you’re in an unhealthy state of emotions. I work with some people who are “health” oriented, and spend all their time obsessing (and discussing) about every bite of food, striding up and down the hallways to get in their miles, and basically judging everything that exists, ever existed, or could exist based on its “health” merits (i.e., “weight loss” merits). That’s also a terrible way to live; they seem like even more tortured souls than you or me. At least we snap out of it eventually….

    • G says:

      True enough! I guess that’s one of the hidden benefits of having a part-time shithead brain– it’s only part-time :)

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