This week is flying – halfway through Wednesday already. I’ve got armored combat practice tonight, which is vastly improving my mood on a day when work is trying to bury me. My response to stress is pretty broken, and my mood has been getting worse and worse. I think of the old thoughts of self-harm as something like a poison that my body has stored up in my bones; it starts seeping back out like it’s always been waiting there to kill me when I weaken. That turned dark, but that’s about where I’m at.
Doing physical stuff helps. I tend to get stuck in my own brain and physical activity is the best counter I know. So yes – workouts, hitting people with sticks, etc. Today I lifted and ran, yesterday I ran. My brain is for shit right now, but my body still works okay.
Over the weekend my friend asked me to go to Sephora, the fancy makeup and skin care store. I friggin love Sephora, and I was really excited. As we wandered around the store, I realized that I really don’t have any use for much there anymore. I haven’t worn makeup in months, I haven’t had a haircut since December (and I have short, pixie-cut hair – it’s a mess), can’t remember the last time I used conditioner or shaved my legs. On the one hand, I don’t want to spend the extra time (and money) doing all the performing-femininity stuff, and it’s nice to not worry about it. On the other, I used to really enjoy taking care with my appearance and expressing myself through it. I miss being sparkly and colorful every so often.